Diet Capitalism: Capitalism for Millennials

A message from supreme overlord Mibe Ut Hertz,

As everyone who works at the local Burger King knows, I like to complain. This time though, I decided to speak directly to the manager. So when my complaints about communism started to build up, I tried speaking to Karl Marx but his corpse never agreed to an interview. This discouraged me, but as that one poster says, “Keep Commie and Carry on” and so I took its words as a fanatic. I kept searching around for communists to talk to. I looked under my pillow, I looked in every pore on my face, but alas, no commies would show themselves. I even tried talking to the rapper xxxLeninLickerxxx, but he was in a bouncy castle filled with money, so I was guessing he was not a communist either. Then it struck me like a hammer and sickle, maybe there are no communists? But then, why are there no communists for me to tickle?

Survival of the RICHEST:

With increasing globalization in the late 20th century (which I’m guessing means more people owned globes) trade became a much easier way to make money.

But I don’t like crapitalism either:

Some people wish they could just buy capitalism and then throw it off a cliff. (wait a second, isn’t buying a form of capitalism?!) But, like with a math problems, there is a solution. Introducing…

SHREKONOMICS

“SHEESH THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION”

Shrekonomics is like a school district in that it has a few principles.

PRINCIPLE UNO:

The early bird gets the WORM (Workers, Ogrelords, Ranks, Money)

Workers- They provide WAP (Work And Production) and are commonly referred to as WAPPERS. Some contemporary WAPPERS include Kanye West, Drake, and Logic who all do WAPPING for the betterment of society. WAPPERS must always provide materialistic production such as turning convenient store supplies into a tank.

Ogrelords- Ogrelords do not fall into the typical ranks (refer below for more info on ranks). They are part of the Gloverment, the organization run by OJ Simpson which ogresees all national events and the military. Most schools boast of a “1:8” teacher to student ratio, but the Gloverment has a “4:1” sniper to citizen ratio. This ensures every citizen is penalized for every action. The snipers ensure you lose a body part for every bad action, kind of like a game of reverse hangman.

Ranks- We may not have any money to pay people, so we give them ranks. The ranks are in this order, Milk Maker, Milk Drinker, Cheese Maker, Cheese Eater, Baby Maker, Baby Eater. A big problem with communists governments was the rampant population, so the baby eater rank helps solve that. Baby back ribs no longer come from pigs. On top of that, the Milk Maker goes from a production rank, to a consumption rank, to a production rank, to a consumption rank and so on. This cycle from producer to consumer ensures humbleness in all the ranks. IMPORTANT: Most people in the Baby Eater rank are usually 70 years old, and so to prevent old people from having high positions of power, we take them and turn them into Dentured Servants. Dentured Servitude, named after old people and their lack of teeth, ensures that old people have no power as they have to provide services like foot massages and go from the highest rank to a rank even lower than Milk Maker.

Money- All money will be replaced by a cryptocurrency called GroinCoin. GroinCoin is very different from other cryptocurrencies. Every citizen must wear a Groincloth with their net worth written on it. The Groincloths are also made out of glass to ensure economic transparency among the richer citizens. This also ensures people do not know someone elses wealth. BUT HOW is that possible if your net worth is written on your Groincloth? Well even though everyone has their net worth written on their Groincloth, it is rude and impolite to stare at someone else’s Groincloth. That is how. Also, all purchases will be regulated by transgender people. These transgender actions, or transactions as it is abbreviated to, can only happen between people of the same rank to ensure no exploitation.

PRINCIPLE DOS:

HELLCARE FOR ALL

We have seen the private healthcare system fail. There have been some public healthcare programs with private programs mixed in, but the private parts can be really bad especially if they have genital herpes. That is why we have invented Hellcare for All. Besides making everyone brush their teeth while they stand for the pledge, we also have a few key aspects of Hellcare for All which we would like to address.

NO ORGANS ALLOWED:

We have linked 100% of health problems to organ dysfunction, so we have removed them entirely from people. You can, of course, buy a GMO free baby which still has its organs, but that will cost a premium.

OUTLAWS ARE OUTLAWED:

Criminal attacks are also a big source of why people end up in the hospital, so we made crime illegal. You’re welcome.

LIVING IS HIGHLY ENCOURAGED:

Some people don’t like coffin up a lot of money for a casket, so we have eliminated that need by sending people stimulus checks if they don’t die.

I’M TIRED AND SO ARE YOU

GOOD NIGHT FOLKS